Author: jeremyrudd42

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

OCD and other emotional struggles can often seem like hell on earth. Let’s keep pushing forward, no matter how tough it’s been, let’s keep pushing forward. Let’s do our best to make the present and our future a better situation for ourselves. 

Jeremy Rudd

 

FIRES-

We have probably heard the saying, “I’m just putting out fires today.” It’s often not meant in a literal sense, unlike a firefighter. We may hear someone say this in a busy work situation. This usually means that we are paying attention to urgent matters and not our daily tasks. This reminds me of OCD and other emotional struggles. We have lives to live and our emotional struggle shows up and wants all our time and attention. OCD can feel like an empty slot machine, we keep feeding this thing over and over with no reward to be had. We feed it by giving it our energy, time and attention. This could be with senseless rituals and compulsions or we could be trying to feed an addictive behavior. It’s never enough. We are usually left defeated, frustrated and exhausted. We keep “putting out fires” instead of living the life we want. Obviously there will be times when we do need to “put out fires” or deal with the urgent things in our lives. The example I am using here is related to spending our time on negative things; compulsions, rituals, destructive behaviors, etc. We know we can’t stop our flow of thoughts, but we can choose what we do with them. We can “put out fires” all day long related to our OCD. This monster might expect one ritual or compulsion after another. We do this so we can feel “okay” about a situation. We can learn to put out these so called “fires” by doing nothing. We can let the thoughts, images and impulses be there and not give into the demands. Easier said than done, but it’s possible! We can let this stuff be present and do our best not to respond. These fires will eventually burn out on their own. With ERP therapy we see that we can purposely face the fire, not try to “put it out” with rituals, and see the thing burn out on its own. Our anxiety will eventually come down on it’s own. That can seem impossible in the grip of OCD, panic or anxiety. If we stick with what we fear and experience this, the anxiety can be less and less. Having a therapist to work with who is trained in ERP can be very helpful.

LIARS-

OCD lies. It tells you complete garbage and expects you to take it as fact. It might try to make you out to be this awful person. “You just had a thought about your relative, wow, You hope they burn in Hell! Or “If you count to 7 in your head, 4 times in a row, then blink 9 times slowly, I will let your family live.” BULLS%*T!!!!!!!!

OCD lies and its goal is to trip us up and to make us miserable. We don’t have to let it. OCD lives on negative energy and stays alive by getting attention through rituals and compulsions. It’s not worth our time, we have a life to enjoy. When we are in the grip of OCD, nothing can seem further from the truth. We may feel like this OCD is our master and we must agree to all it’s demands. We beat our heads against the wall trying to “fight” this LIAR by doing rituals or compulsions. The more we “fight” the OCD by doing senseless rituals, the worse it gets. We truly “fight” it by letting go of the compulsions and rituals. OCD is a bully, it doesn’t fight fair. OCD is not the first or the last LIAR or bully we will meet. We can meet with OCD, or a liar, or a traumatic experience. These can be part of us, but they don’t have to run our lives. As hard as that may seem, they don’t have to run our lives. Just like the “passengers on a bus” metaphor used in ACT therapy. These monsters and liars can ride on our bus, but they are not driving the damn thing, we are!! This bus is us. It’s our lives, our thoughts, our experiences. The monsters and LIARS can come along for the ride. We can notice they are in the background and not give them the time of day or negative attention they seek. We start to care less and less who is on the bus, and this is really good news!! This can free us up to drive that bus in a direction that we want, in a positive direction.

In OCD treatment, we might even see a technique used where a person is asked to agree with the obsessive thoughts, to actually surrender to the thought, “ok, I’m an awful person, of course I am.” We can notice the thought, even agree with it, but we’re not trying to fix it by doing compulsions, that’s the difference. The goal is to live with uncertainty. We know OCD lies but then again we have to live with some uncertainty, because life is uncertain. ” I”m not really sure if I said something offensive in the store earlier, I don’t think I did, but I might have. Oh well, I’m going to go enjoy dinner with my wife.” It’s similar to agreeing with negative criticism you might receive. It may be true, it may not be, but the sooner we receive it or “accept” it, the quicker it usually fades away. 

Hang in there, we can do this! 

Jeremy Rudd

I had this tattooed on my arm several years ago. It has always been my dream to open my own counseling practice and specialize in OCD. This is now my domain name for my counseling website, getbehindmeocd.com. This has been a daily reminder for me to continue to go after my dream. My dream has been to help others battle OCD. I’m not suggesting we should tattoo our dream on our body, 🙂 ,I’m just sharing something that I did on my journey. Like most people, I have made countless to do lists in my life. These can be helpful especially when our brain gets on overflow and we just end up chasing butterflies. It can be something as basic as texting a friend back or starting the dishwasher. With OCD, our lives often feel as if they are spinning out of control. I feel that when we write down a to do list, some goals, and some areas in life that we value, we have some good starting blocks to go for what we want in life. When our brain goes into overdrive, it’s easy to forget what we are actually wanting to do with our time, especially when performing useless compulsions. These compulsions take up waaaaaaaaaaay too much of our time, and I don’t think any of us want that !!!!! I am a big believer in doing one thing at a time. I still struggle with this at times. Attempting to concentrate on one thing at a time can be difficult for all of us. People with OCD and Anxiety symptoms can have extremely active brains. Writing down a to do list or a goal may seem like a very basic idea. It is basic, and it can work. As we know, no amount of compulsions, rituals, or ruminating, will “fix” this OCD stuff. Knowing this, let’s try to lean into these obsessions on purpose and do our best to stop the compulsions. This is not easy, but it’s doable. As I have suggested before, it helps to find a therapist that specializes in OCD and is trained in ERP therapy. Just like ACT therapy suggests, going after what we value in life means less time spent on our obsessions, compulsions, addictions, anxieties, etc. Whether we value being a good employee or value playing golf well, having a set of values on paper can help us re-focus when our brain feels as if it’s melting from stress. We need to keep checking in with these values, dreams, and goals for them to be helpful. Just like exercise, we can think about exercise all day, but until we start doing it, it won’t have much positive effect. Our daily tasks can often become just another compulsion for us if we are dealing with OCD. We need to me mindful of how we are using our to do lists, journaling, values that we write down, etc. It’s okay to have some areas of focus and some measurable goals that we are paying attention to. We just want to be careful not to let these become just another compulsion or a ritual. Talking with your therapist or a loved one for accountability can be a helpful tool. Our therapist or loved one can encourage us and assist in keeping us on track. We want to continue to try and stay away from or cut down the compulsions, seeking reassurance, performing mental rituals, etc. So let’s write some ideas, goals and interests down. Let’s write down what we would like our life to look like a year from now. Start small, one step at a time. Please don’t berate yourself if this is a difficult activity, because it can be. Remember, you didn’t ask for this, but you can do something about it. We have one life, let’s do our best to enjoy the one we have. Hang in there, talk with you soon.

 

Jeremy Rudd  

OCD is not……… just washing your hands a lot and liking things to be symetrical. The treatment options and knowledge of OCD continues to grow. This is good news, however as I have said before, we still have a long way to go with overall mental health treatment, knowledge and support. Stigma and lack of knowledge in this area continue to be something we have to work at. It’s very refreshing to see what other colleagues in the OCD community have shared about what is “OCD’ and what isn’t. OCD can be pure torment and has negatively effected countless lives. OCD goes much further than what we see on TV or in movies. There are now more and more good articles, audio, and video available that attempt to drive this point home. As I have explained in an earlier blog, OCD is much more than someone liking an organized closet, or “having” to arrange their silverware a certain way. Cleanliness and symmetry can certainly be a huge part of OCD but it often goes much further than this.

In society we will often hear someone say, “she’s so OCD” when referring to a person that may have a certain ritual they do or a quirky habit they have. It could be a person that always has a clean car, “don’t bring your coffee in her car, she’s way “OCD” about someone spilling it” A lot of times what society may call “OCD” in these situations is probably not true OCD. Sometimes when “OCD” is thrown around so casually, it can be an unintended slam to someone who may be suffering with it.

Again, many people have a certain habit, maybe a certain obsession, or a particular ritual they may do at times. This could be a “good luck” touch they give to a kitchen table before they leave home or they may have a “lucky” or “unlucky” number they pay extra attention to. Most of these situations listed don’t usually interfere with everyday functioning. A person without OCD may do these things on occasion and go about their day. A person with OCD may get stuck in the shower for 5 hours, or may have to touch a “good luck” object 47 times before they can “go about their day.” The obsessions and compulsions often quickly pick up on something else right after the person has got their hands just “clean” enough, or felt “just right” after touching the good luck object 47 times. During this same OCD situation they may have also also felt like they had to start over 12 times in the process of getting to 47, so it’s “just right”, ughhhhhhhhhh. Exhausting.

With OCD, it’s never enough. No amount of reassurance, or obsessions, or compulsions, or ruminating, or asking, or checking will ever be good enough for this monster!! OCD is always thirsty for more and we will never quench it’s thirst, regardless of us trying to with countless compulsions and rituals. Unfortunately OCD can manifest itself in many ways. The good news is that most experts agree that the goal of treamtent is the same. STOPPING THE COMPULSIONS AND LIVING WITH UNCERTAINTY!! I promise, this is good news !!!! We can have the urges, thoughts, feelings, sensations, obsessions, disturbing images, etc. What we do when this stuff pops up is the key. Most people may have a troubling or disturbing thought or image pop in their head from time to time. Most notice it and just move on. With OCD, we have “sticky brains”, we often get stuck on something where someone else may have a similar thought or image and their brain doesn’t stay there. We obsess, we do compulsions and rituals, we ask questions, we seek reassurance, we count, we check, we try to “fix” what is bothering us and making us anxious. Most of the time we are just left exhausted and floored with torment. The quicker we face the OCD by not giving into its useless demands, the quicker that damn monster floats into the background. We have a life to live and we don’t want OCD pushing us around. Our compulsions and rituals may be hidden from others. For example, we may not have symptoms of excessive hand washing or checking the stove 10 times. Others may notice us doing these compulsions because they can be seen out in the open. Our rituals and compulsions can be something we do in private or they may be “all in our head” so to speak. If we try to “fix” a situation with a ritualistic prayer in our minds, or sing a certain song silently, or count in our heads,  or ruminate, etc, then all we are doing is continuing to feed the monster. The term “Pure O” has been said over the years, suggesting that someone just has the “obsession” part of OCD. They may be suffering in silence. Eventhough our OCD symptoms may only show up in our head, we are still probably feeding the OCD by performing mental rituals. The good news is, there are treatments and strategies that work. It can be helpful to find a therapist in your area that specializes in OCD.

I have had OCD for over 30 years. I have been a mental health professional for over 17 years and have dedicated my counseling practice to battling OCD. I have been guilty in the past of using “OCD” to describe a situation or something that I am doing. I know all too well that it’s often not accurate for what I am trying to explain when I use the letters “OCD.” Especially when I am talking to someone who doesn’t know that I have OCD. There are many jokes, memes, t-shirts, bumperstickers, etc that poke fun at OCD. There has been controversy over this. I feel that it’s often said with no ill intent, however our words and what we write can certainly have a huge impact on others. Especially when someone doesn’t realize the torment and sadness that often is present with OCD. OCD is not a joke, it can be a living hell. I know the hell personally. I have a true passion to help others battle this demon. I bring this up to “confess” that I have used “OCD” inaccurately in conversations and I feel that we can ALL do better as a society when discussing mental health and being mindful of the words we use. As someone with OCD and as a Licensed Therapist, I have used humor at times to help myself and others. I always try to be mindful of what someone is dealing with and respect how they feel as far as what is funny and what’s not. It’s the old adage of laughing with someone and not at them. I feel that laughter is key for our overall mental health. I know it has been for mine.

Jeremy Rudd

 

Most all of us can find things to be grateful for. When we are in the storms of emotional or physical struggles, it’s easy to let this slip by. A lot of us are guilty of forgetting what we do have going for us,  friends, family, shelter, a heartbeat, etc. It’s helpful to slow down and be more aware of this. It can be a healthy reminder for our mental health. We can start with the basic idea of making a gratitude list. This could give us something to check in with when our thoughts or situation tries to lead us down a dark path.

Jeremy Rudd

“I’m a lucky man
To count on both hands
The ones I love.
Some folks just have one
Yeah others they got none.”  

-Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam, “Just Breathe”

We have probably all heard the phrase: “laughter is the best medicine.” There is a lot of truth in this. Studies show that laughter reduces our stress response. When we laugh our muscles contract and this increases our oxygen and blood flow. We have probably all felt our bodies feel less tense after a good laugh. We release endorphins in our body when we laugh, and this can lead to feeling a relief, mentally and physically. Studies show that even when we force it, or use “fake laughter”, it has a positive effect on us. All of us might have done our share of this. 🙂 When dealing with OCD, or any other emotional struggle, it’s good to see that humor can be good medicine. When we feel as if our world is crashing down, often the last thing we may feel like doing is laughing or smiling. Kinda like the “diet and exercise” situation. We often know what good a healthy food choice and a trip to the gym can do for us. Knowing it and doing it are two different things. We may randomly hear, see, or think of something funny. This can be helpful for our overall mood and often happens to us on a regular basis. In the midst of an emotional struggle, unfortunately this can happen less and less. A common symptom of depression is anhedonia. Anhedonia is the loss of interest in pleasurable activities. What we usually find pleasurable or funny may not have the same effect on us when we are in the middle of an emotional storm. It doesn’t mean that this has left us permanently, they are more or less just put on hold. I bring this up so that we can try to be more mindful of what we enjoy and what has worked for us previously. By worked I mean, the people, places, books, movies, music, exercise, situations, etc, that have brought us joy. Being mindful of what we enjoy and value is important. It becomes our compass that can help direct us where we want to go. It seems like a simple concept, and it is. We see once again that we may have to “force” ourselves to be involved in what has worked in the past and to be open to what might work going forward, e.g- ERP, ACT therapy, etc. By paying attention in the moment, and tuning into what we enjoy, this can get us back on the path we want to travel. The C in ACT therapy stands for commitment. We become mindful of our situation and use acceptance of what we are experiencing. Then we commit to a direction we value, and this is great news. We don’t have to put our lives on hold any longer. Our lives will never be perfect or “just right” Whether that is our obsessions, our addictive behaviors, our bank accounts, our jobs, our weight, etc. Lets pick up our “stuff” and get busy living. In ACT therapy they ask: “what do you want to do with your time on this planet?” I have read this sentence over a hundred times and it still hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s powerful and its reality. We are only given so much time!  Making a list of our interests can be helpful. Keeping this near or maybe in our phone is a good tool to have. Why would we need to know what we are interested in? That seems pretty basic, right? When the grasp and cycle of OCD, depression, or another struggle has us focused on the negative junk, a moment of “noticing” or mindfulness can help us bounce back on track. It can be as basic as following our breath then moving in a direction we value. It’s not always easy, but it’s basic and doable.  Noticing that we are breathing, in and out, noticing what that literally feels like physically, this is an example of being mindful. There are countless ways to be mindful. Whether we are using a technique in Exposure and Response Prevention, Acceptance Commitment Therapy, or battling a destructive habit, pausing and checking in with our thoughts and actions can be very helpful. Obsessions, compulsions, impulsive behavior, anxiety, panic, the grip of depression, these can all can feel like a never ending train ride into darkness. The good news is that we can check in with our thoughts and actions, we can notice and not respond to them, just notice. We know that we can’t stop our thoughts but we CAN change how we respond to them. The main goal of OCD treatment is to stop the compulsions or rituals and to live in uncertainty. We might have very “dark” thoughts, our brain might tell us to perform rituals or compulsions to make it “okay.” Just noticing or looking at the thoughts or images, and letting them just be, will put us closer to freedom. By giving into the rituals, we continue to put fuel into that damn OCD train. We learn that purposely putting ourselves into scary situations, and not responding to the ridiculous demands of OCD, that this will then have less and less power over us. We can notice the train, but we don’t have to ride. Even if we are on the train, we can still notice these thoughts, images or impulses, they are going to be there reagrdless, but again, we don’t have to respond. ACT therapy suggests noticing our thoughts, using acceptance, and moving in a direction we value. A value is something we want to stand for in life. Being a “loving Mom” or being a “good listener”, these are examples of values. We try to “reach” goals. With values, we move towards them, we move in a direction what we care about. We try to reach goals, goals are measurable. “I want to lose ten pounds over the next 30 days” is a goal. We might value having more freedom from OCD. This value might look like participating in ERP.  Another example of a value is: “spending time with my grandson.” An example of a goal is: “I will meet with my therapist weekly over the next month to participate in treatment.” And hopefully participating in OCD treatment would lead to less time spent on useless rituals and more time to “spend with my grandson.”

It’s cliche to say that we have to start somewhere, but it’s true. We obviously can only start from where we are now, the past is done. If we need some laughter, let’s lean into what makes us laugh. Let’s lean into what we enjoy, whether it’s healthy relationships, exercise, funny movies, etc. Lets “force” or commit ourselves to jump back into pleasurable situations or things that we enjoy. It’s so easy to get lost in this emotional sea of darkness and doubt. Checking in with ourselves and using reminders can help us get back on track. Being mindful and leaning into what we enjoy may be difficult at times, but it’s crucial for our emotional health if we have left this in the past. Let’s remember that we really don’t have overall health without our mental health.

We might lean into an exposure in OCD treatment. We might lean back into a relationship with a loved one that has fizzled out. We might lean into going to the movies with a friend, even though we don’t feel like it. We might find ourselves pleasantly surprised once we get there and the movie starts. We might be glad that we forced ourselves to go out. We might see that 15 minutes into a workout, “man, this feels good, I’m glad I went ahead and did this.” ACT therapy suggests taking all our “stuff” with us and moving in a direction we value. The obsessions, compulsions, thoughts, impulses, sadness, etc, can all come along for the ride, they are probably going to be with us anyway.  As hard as that can seem to swallow, that’s okay, one moment at a time.  Once again, we can notice the negative stuff and then go about our day, we can let that junk float into the background. We don’t have to give into the demands. “I see you, OCD. Thanks for checking in, but I’m going out with friends anyway.” The less we give the OCD bully what it wants the less we will hear from him. OCD will split hairs and over analyze and “what if’ a situation to death! Whether it’s OCD, depression, or some other emotional struggle, let’s notice that it’s there, try to accept it, and then do our best to go enjoy our lives. It’s not easy, but it’s possible, it’s truly possible. Hang in there.

“If you think I’ll sit around while you chip away my brain, listen I ain’t foolin’ and you’d better think again.” – Rob Halford, Judas Priest, “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin'”

 

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, each year, over 44,000 people die from suicide. It’s said that the number is even higher and is often underreported due to stigma and that some deaths that are ruled as “accidental” could have actually been a suicide. May is mental health month. We have made great strides in mental health treatment options, support, discussions, etc, however we still have a long way to go. Unfortunately, we see still see that there is often a stigma attached to mental health. Our society places a lot of emphasis on our physical health, for obvious reasons, but we need to keep in mind that we don’t have overall health without our mental health. The topic of suicide has been talked about in the news more recently partly due to the popular Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why, as well as the death of musician, Chris Cornell. This show has been discussed at schools and has brought up some controversy. I have long been a fan of Cornell’s music. If there is any silver lining here, it could be that his death has opened more discussions regarding mental health, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.

As a society, we have often felt that talking about suicide causes someone to be more likely to commit suicide. The research shows different. Talking to someone about your suicidal thoughts and reaching out to others for support can save lives. I have worked on a suicide hotline and have personally seen the positive impact it can have on a community. Someone can seem to “have it all together” on the outside and may be crawling in their skin on the inside. I feel it’s always better to err on the side of caution in these situations. If you are concerned about a friend, family member, or classmate, it’s okay to ask someone how they are doing. When we are struggling with our emotional health, our mood can be all over the place. This can be confusing and exhausting. Bipolar disorder, along with other emotional struggles, can look like different things to different people. What we may assume looks like “happy” or “alive and full of energy” may not be what’s really going on inside. Sometimes it’s obvious that someone may be feeling depressed. They might be tearful, isolating, not returning calls or texts, etc. On the other hand, people who are are experiencing depression can also be experts at masking their symptoms.  What we often assume is a person who we think “have no reason to be depressed”, could really be struggling. Smart phones and social media has opened a lot of doors in our society. We now have more options to reach out these days if we are struggling with an emotional issue. Often we see that something positive can also have a negative side. Bullying in schools has been happening for decades. The end of a school day might be a relief for some students being able to return home. With the almost constant access a lot of young people have to social media, the bullying or negativity could still be just a click away. Once again, our “communication” as a society becoming more and more instant can certainly be a positive.

Suicide hotlines have been around for many years, and now with our evolving technology, we have many outlets available to reach out. There are now countless websites, chat rooms, blogs, etc, that are geared towards behavioral health. Let’s use this to our advantage. Let’s talk more about how we are doing emotionally, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Find someone you feel that you can trust and please remember that it’s okay to ask each other how we are doing. Most all of us may say, “hows it going?”, or “how are you?”, just in everyday conversation and not really expect a response. Let us remember that it’s okay to take that question further if needed. If you are ever having any thoughts of suicide, please, please, reach out and ask for some support. LET’S WORK TOGETHER TO HELP STOP THE STIGMA!!

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

“I’m looking California and feeling Minnesota.” – “Outshined”, Chris Cornell of Soundgarden

Rest easy, Cornell.

Jeremy Rudd

“Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.” – Helen Keller

Exposure and Response Prevention techniques can help guide us to see that “outright exposure” can be the path to more freedom from OCD.

“don’t try to find the answer,
when there ain’t no question here,
brother let your heart be wounded,
and give no mercy to your fear”- the band, +Live+, Run to the Water

The band +Live+ has always been my favorite band. I resonate with a lot of their lyrics, energy and message. The quote above reminds me of acceptance and learning to lean into our fears. There is something to be said of letting our hearts and minds “be wounded” and continuing to lean into our fears. ACT therapy talks about the acceptance of what we are experiencing and then moving in the direction of what we value. Every time I hear this part of the song I cant help but think of OCD and the endless cycle of rumination and rituals. We often try to “find the answer” of why we have OCD or why we do the things we do to lessen our anxiety. We often need to go after what we fear most to gain relief from the monster of OCD. I think if there is a question and an answer to find it would be, “what is the core fear?” that we are trying so hard to avoid. Looking for the “core fear” and not the “root” of the problem seems to be the way to go. We can’t change the fact of having OCD, but we can change how we respond to it, and this is great news!! Chances are, a lot of our obsessions and compulsions could share a “core fear.” Continuing to chip away at this “core fear” can help us starve out the OCD and anxiety.

Jeremy Rudd

Tyler McGuire was my brother in law. He was a true friend and a bad ass. We all have difficulties in life and unfortunately Tyler was dealt the difficulty of bone cancer.  We lost him in January of this year. I have attempted to accept a lot of difficulties in my own life but accepting that he has passed is at the top of the list. Tyler didn’t just get cancer, he battled it to the end. He believed in fighting the good fight and always encouraged me to keep moving forward no matter what. Tyler had a huge heart and was full of love. His spirit motivates me daily to give back and try to help others through my work as a counselor. Here’s to you brother, we love you and miss you.

I wrote the words below a few days after he died. Our friend, Phyllis, with the FUMC of Fort Worth, was kind of enough to read this for me at his funeral. Please see below. Thanks.

TYLER MCGUIRE – FROM BROTHER IN LAW, JEREMY RUDD. 1 26 17

I wanted to take a few minutes to express my love and gratitude for my brother in law, Tyler. I remember first meeting Tyler at a gas station in Bedford. Heather was going to introduce us that week but I happen to run into the cute couple while I had stopped to get gas. Tyler was just as Heather had described. As we know, Tyler was a man’s man and was also a really nice guy. After meeting Tyler and his family, it was easy to see why Heather was so crazy about him. Tyler greeted others with a hand shake and always made eye contact. He had manners and he was genuine. Shortly thereafter, our family met Barry, Mary and Andrew and they were of course a blessing just like Tyler was. They all had manners, love in their heart, and a sense of humor, just like our Tyler. Tyler was the real deal. I always told him that he was a God send. He and I became instant friends and soon starting calling each other a “brother from another mother.” He was so welcoming and fun to be around. He had that smile and confidence that was contagious. Tyler is one of the most generous and thoughtful people I have ever known. It didn’t matter what he was doing, if he thought I might have some interest in doing it with him he would invite me. It could be a camping trip, a drive to look at a house for his business, or just taking a ride to the auto parts store. There were countless times when Tyler just insisted on paying for lunch or dinner. If Tyler had it, it was a given that he would be sharing it with his family or friends. With Tyler, you just knew you had a wing-man for life. He showed these same characteristics as a dad, a son, a husband, a brother and so on. Tyler was gonna be there for his family and friends no matter what. He was the guy that you could call at 3 in the morning stranded in another state and he was gonna show up and help. I always appreciated Tyler’s passion. It didn’t matter if it was baseball, the right to bear arms, or a brand of beef jerky, you knew where Tyler stood. I can still remember the glow in his face on the days Sydney and Jack were born. It was the same glow he had in October 2004 when he married our wonderful Heather. We could be driving somewhere and see some random piece of metal stuck in the ground or an unusual looking piece of equipment on a flatbed truck. I would usually have to ask him what it was. He always had an answer. He could do just about anything he put his mind to. If it was a project or task he didn’t know how to do then he would soon do what it to took to learn it on his own then get the job done. A few minutes later, he could make someone smile. Then he might tell you about a movie he watched last week and how he felt the film had a Mark Twain feel to it. I can remember being his helper on occasion when he would go check on a property for his home preservation business. I have seen him tackle a project with relative ease countless times. One day stands out in particular. We show up at a house and Tyler says we have to build a swimming pool cover. I’m no handy man, but when I saw the size of the pool I immediately asked him how we were gonna get to the other two jobs he had scheduled for the day. As usual, he told me not to worry about it and to let him figure that out. Less than two hours later, Tyler had that pool cover built. I have had my share of car trouble. Tyler was there regardless of the day or time. A few months after he started chemotherapy, we were talking and I had brought up that my car wouldn’t start at my office in downtown Dallas. I was going to have to call a tow truck. He immediately said that he would be picking me up in the morning and that we were going to Dallas to try to get the car started. I tried to talk him out of it worrying that he wasn’t feeling well enough and he wouldn’t listen to any of that. As we all know, when he made his mind up about something, there wasn’t a lot of convincing him other wise. He brought his cane and some tools and he drove us to Dallas. He was a little unsteady on his feet so I held the tools and tried to hold onto him as he was looking under the hood. He was always there for me when I was in a tough spot. Over the past few years, I have tried to hold Tyler up when he was in a tough spot, just as he has done for me from day one of our friendship. No matter the topic, Tyler would listen to you. We all know he would often give his opinion, but he would listen. A few years back I got the word “VERITAS” tattooed on my arm. This was something I did with Tyler in mind. Veritas means “truth” in Latin. This was a reference from one of our favorite movies, The Boondock Saints. He and I often talked about it and it was a bond that we always shared. To me, Tyler was truth. He was true to his family and friends and true to his beliefs. Tyler McGuire, we love you brother and your incredible strength and light will shine through all of us the rest of our days. We will continue to see your spirit in Jack and Sydney and we all look forward to seeing you again. I will look forward to talking to you about the Rangers pitching rotation and hearing you laugh again. The first time I ever heard anyone outside of church use the term “salt of the earth”, it was Tyler telling me about his brother Andrew before I had the pleasure to meet him. A few days ago a kind gentleman from the church was delivering food to my sister’s house when I was leaving. My mom and I shook his hand and thanked him for bringing food over for our family. I walked him to the door and we started to talk about Tyler. We chatted for about a minute before I ran out of words. I shook the man’s hand, thanked him, and then I said, Tyler was “the salt of the earth.”

I love you, brother.

Jeremy

Acceptance. We have all heard the word over and over again. This word can often can be brought up in a tough situation. When we lose a loved one we may be asked to accept the truth that they have passed. We all handle grief differently. Losing a loved one, a job, our independence, a pet, a friendship, etc. These situations can all lead to a time of grieving. It can often seem like we are always grieving about something! No matter how hard we wish this were not the fact, we often get knocked back down to earth with the idea of trying to accept a certain outcome. We often don’t want to accept this and it’s easier to stay in denial or use distractions to cope so we don’t have to face what has happened. With all the atrocities in our world, it’s not hard to see how this can easily become a form of survival. With support, love, and time, we can often find some relief in our grieving. Obviously everyones support system can look different or some unfortunately may be nonexistent. Often we see grief support groups offered in the community which is a great thing. Not everyone is blessed with a supportive group of family and friends. The good news is that these situations may start out as gut wrenching but can often lead to a new friendship or to a recharge of a past relationship with a family member. Even those who may not reach out in a tough life situation may be left with a new awareness or breakthrough in their own life. It hurts like hell but can often lead to a new beginning. With grief often comes depression. Sometimes this can be symptoms of depression that were brought on with a loss or maybe the depression was already there. When we are dealing with a behavioral health difficulty like OCD, depression, anxiety, etc, another blow to our lives can sometimes seem like too much to bear. We also know that depression can often go hand in hand with OCD, Anxiety, chronic pain, etc. When we are dealing with emotional struggles in our daily lives, another loss can feel like someone took a sledgehammer to our chest. Our minds and hearts become a sea of emotions and pain. The tears and loneliness can become an everyday occurrence. When dealing with depression or symptoms of grief, we can often feel like we are completely alone. It’s common to often feel alone when dealing with depression. Even if we are surrounded by people who care about us, it’s easy to feel like you are isolated on an island with no rescue in sight.

Again, acceptance is often suggested when someone is dealing with a loss or seeking assistance for some emotional support. This could be from a therapy situation or in a substance abuse support group. As brutal as it can feel, the process of accepting something can be a freeing experience. It gives us a starting point. There is obviously nothing we can do to change anything in our past, whether that was 3 seconds ago or 3 years ago. All we have is now, sounds cliche, but it’s reality. No one is promised an hour from now. If we accept this, it may help our struggles seem more manageable. The 12 step groups often talk about “one day at a time.” Acceptance Commitment Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy both offer a key component of “mindfulness” in their techniques. Jon Kabit Zinn is a world authority on mindfulness. He defines mindfulness as: “awareness that arises through paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, non judgementally.” This can lead to acceptance. No matter how difficult the moment, if we can accept the moment for what it is, we might have an easier path to what we want to achieve. Often what we want to achieve is more peace of mind, more happiness, less pain, more focus, etc. Mindfulness can show us that no matter what we are dealing with, that paying attention in the moment, and attempting to stay neutral about our thoughts, can help us feel more in control of a situation. We can often train our minds to look at our thoughts as “good” or “bad”. Maybe “lucky,” or “okay”, or “sinful.” Mindfulness teaching often suggests to look at thoughts as neutral, not good or bad, just as thoughts. ACT therapy techniques suggest being mindful of our thoughts, and once again, just noticing them, not reacting to or trying to fix them. This is one of many areas where Exposure and Response Prevention as well as Acceptance Commitment Therapy have been helpful for OCD symptoms. They share the common suggestion to notice the thoughts or obsessions and not participate in rituals. We can’t stop our thoughts from coming but we do have power in what we choose to do with these thoughts. If we are caught in the ugly grip of OCD or another behavioral health issue, its easy to feel helpless about our reactions to our thoughts. We all have thoughts that may scare us at times. A lot of individuals may have a certain “quirky” thing they do with the shirts in their closet or have a “lucky” tune they sing before a stressful situation. What separates these people from those diagnosed with true OCD, is the intensity and amount of time spent on obsessions, compulsions, rituals, etc.  Someone may feel that it is good “luck” to put their left shoe on first. This person puts the left one on first every morning for “luck” and goes on about their day. A person with OCD could be caught in this same situation for hours trying to get those shoes on “just right” and in a special order. Mindfulness can help put a distance between us and our thoughts. We often hear in OCD circles that we are not our thoughts, we are not the OCD, OCD is something we have but we are not the person it tries to suggest we are. This is especially true when dealing with OCD symptoms of a violent nature. E.g.- the mom who cannot leave the house because she is afraid that she will do something awful to her neighbor on the way to pick up her kids at school. OCD symtoms try to tell us that we will do these awful things, but it’s the OCD. In ACT therapy they suggest to “look at thoughts, not from thoughts.” An example would be placing our thoughts or images in our mind onto clouds. We can visualize this and put these thoughts, words, or images on the clouds and watch them float away. Once again, it puts distance between us and our thoughts, because again, we are not out thoughts. Just as if someone is doing Exposure Response Prevention to work on their OCD. They can place themselves in a situation on purpose that raises their anxiety. By not giving into the rituals, and being in the moment, we can find some more flexibility in our minds and see that the anxiety will eventually come down on its own.We can just notice what our brain is asking us to do, check, count, ask, pray, doubt, wash, etc. We can notice these thoughts and images in our minds, and again we don’t have to respond to the demands of the OCD. This is great news! There is hope, truly!

Acceptance can be a great thing, and it can also knock us to our knees. The good news is that it can be a great building block to better days ahead. Life can obviously be very difficult. If you are ever having any thoughts of harming yourself, please, please, reach out to someone. Hang in there.

Jeremy Rudd